Rambleramble

To an outsider looking in, everything seemed normal, nothing out of the ordinary. But one scratch on that thin, superficial surface revealed nothing but tension and almost no form of order. I was a mess. There seemed to be no sunshine in my life, but I was damn good at making it seem like there was. I smiled as the words flow out so naturally, but the excitement and emotion portrayed by my peers just did not phase me. I was a mess but no one knew. My last few years in high school were a lie.

When it came to my friends, I always felt like I didn’t really belong there. I would constantly jump from one group of “best friends” to another. I didn’t know what to hate more; the fact that I kept turning my back on people, or the fact that sometimes I felt like they never fully embraced me. I think I grew closest to my friends from home after high school ended. We took all our old memories and used them to create a bond with almost no weak spots. In one of my previous entries, I mentioned that my friends from freshman year of college are far from friends now. Last year, that thought never would have crossed my mind. It’s funny how things work out. Fingers crossed that it won’t happen again.

What most people don't know about me is that, back in high school, going to school everyday was a haven for me. Life at home wasn't great and I just didn’t want to be there. I did what I could to stay out of the house. I played softball in the spring, and on the off season I would stay after to do homework, or just hang around.
It’s hard to explain the tension I dealt with.
Tension between myself and my brother
Myself and my mother
Myself and my father
The tension between my mother and my father
All of it was hard to deal with. And all I wanted to do was avoid it. If you think its a typical family fight then don’t ever bring it up to me because I will never want to explain it because I’m not going to trust you to understand me.
It’s hard to explain. I'm not going to go into detail via internet about specific problems, that’s more so for my close friends. I'm also very picky about who I tell. But the hardest part of dealing with it is over for me. It’s behind me. There is still a lot of tension, but I’ve learned to ignore. I’m too scared to put it out on the table. Maybe the hardest part has yet to come- confrontation.

But for now, and for the most part, sophomore-year-of-college Ally is a happy camper. I’m a much different person, and I’ve grown since last year. And I’m really tired so I’m gonna make coffee now.